It has been a while since I met up with Ivan. Both of us are busy with own lives. Just like Wingz used to say, that we need to take care of our own rice bowl. Ivan was available that afternoon and we meet up for a drinking session.
He just brought up the issue of how he had changed for the past few years. Seriously, I do admit there is huge differences as to compare himself back then. Maybe, just maybe that the process of what ones are going through that mold a person. And that experience is so valuable that it is ones wisdom. From there we will be looking from different perspective of life.
My dad passed away 7 years ago. Poor thing is that he couldn’t be here with me right now. There are times in life when I am truly hope to have him by my side to share all my ups. Just the other night I had a dream. dream about him and I ended waking up in tears.
Since I was young, I always wanted to know about my position in his heart. How he would perceive me as. Therefore, everything I did was trying to meet his expectation in me. All I know was that I need to fare well in school. Bring a lot of A’s back. I didn’t care because he believe that by studying well will bring you up above.
After completion of my secondary education, I furthered my studies in TAR College. It was during the end of semester 1 when my dad illness getting worse. Eventually I lost him to something greater than us. I begin to lost my focus. I keep telling myself that I need to shift my focus and that my mom putting her hope in me. I was her pillar of strength that keep her going strong.
As I diverting my focus, I felt emptiness in me. That’s when I began to seek for replacement of him. I grew the habit of corresponding and eventually there was one penpal that makes me interested in her. One of her letter asking my dad cordition after mei yan. So I told myself why not I try and see if there is any chances or chemistry happened? To keep it short, she was my first girlfriend.
Not many of my peers met her though except from my course. That’s why even sotong always think i’ve never in any relationship. Was wondering how my dad will perceive her back then. It was a bumpy ride for me. Learning to be a responsible boyfriend of her. Being first time, I didn’t know about anniversary, first 100 days and stuff like that.
The relationship lasted for few months and things was tough for her. I do admit that there’s plenty of wrong in me. CL, if you do drop by my blog I would like to apologize for all my wrongdoing and thank you for the memory when we were together.
Now presently, I would wonder how my dad would see me as. Working as a salesperson despite my education. Would I be disappointing him? How about the way I dealt with things in the past years.
Being in a score and five, wondering where I shall stand 5 years, 10 years and 15 years down the road. What will be my focus and goal in life? Lord I’m doing all I can to be a better man to my mom, and all those I love with.
On this day..
- Opposition Coalition? - 2008
- Manequin of Her - 2006
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