Dear Dad,
It has been 7 years and 6 months since you have left me. Your absence has left a tremendous space inside me. Today is the Father’s Day. It is a day that seems to be hard to go by.
Sitting here alone in the living room, I watched the city of KL seems to be consumed by the dark sky. It is either the sky is turning dark from the sun set or it can be the hungry black cloud trying to swallow and enveloping the sky. It seems this pretty much describe in the Jacky Cheung’s song. The sky is black in colour and my heart is blue in colour… that because all I can think about right now is only her, J.
After all these years, I finally found her. She is the one I’ve been waiting for. I knew it that I wanted her. Over the past relationship, I can clearly be sure of that she is the one I am looking for. She had the characters and personality that I believe you will definitely like about.
In your absence, I have been struggling to keep my head above. Since you left, my world has been seems to fall apart. At that time, living with uncle wasn’t much of a heaven but neither a hell. Mom was trying her best to cope with your lost and to get her grip. I was left much alone to myself to head with the daily routine, especially the struggle in college. Sister herself was also trying her best to find her own place in the outside world. She did not complete her studies, trying to find different jobs which sometimes worry me. It is not that her job wasn’t good but she doesn’t have the clear idea where she wants to head to. She finally landed herself good in a bookstore where she finds herself fit inside there.
Mom was trying to get us back together under one roof after she relocated back to KL that year. After you left, it took her a lot of effort and trouble to get a place to stay. Being at uncle house, she wasn’t much pleased that it wasn’t seems a home after all. We found a place to rent since then till now. It wasn’t much a luxury or bad. It is just decent enough to hold us together under one roof. A shelter I would call it. At least the place protects us from the bad weathers. Then everything seems to fall into their places. Everyone is playing the role in the home.
I remembered that Chinese New Year, I missed you a lot. Having to wake up in the first lunar day of the year to find that you are no longer around was something new. It has to be a fact for me to embrace and accept. Eventually, I met a mentor in college that helped me to get through this stage. He gave me a gift. A book entitled ‘Who Moved My Cheese?’ which I used to tell mom that if you were around, I would share this to you. It meant a lot to me to change. To embrace change that you no longer be around but I can still keep the memories of you inside me.
Things were getting positive. Soon, I found my first relationship with C. It didn’t last long enough for a year. It just lasted barely few months to say the least. Maybe I wasn’t really ready for it. I couldn’t handle the responsibilities of a boyfriend. You know what; there are times when I wished you were around. At least that I could seek your advice how to deal with certain issues. I’m sure you have gone through all these before. Too bad that it didn’t really work out and I have yet hurt another girl in the process.
When I got myself my first college exam result, I knew I was doing quite well. But I realised that the bad times are yet to come. I wasn’t much of an Ace student but neither that am I doing that bad. I eventually was getting my diploma. Due to the result, I couldn’t continue getting the scholarship to move on to the next level, which is Advance Diploma. Luckily Ah Lee he funded some of the expenses in Advance Diploma. Mom was getting herself to fit the bill for the Campbell University examination fees. Due to that, I was determining to do well for the next 2 years. I know you wanted me to excel as well. I did my best and along the way, I met few people that helped me to get through the college life. The exam papers and stuff like assignments are pretty much taken care of by itself eventually. In a nutshell, for that particular 3 to 4 years, I managed to pave myself the path out from the brutality of the college life. I was then set to embrace the working life. Welcome world.
Dad, finding a decent job in 2004 isn’t as I expected. Without clear direction and knowing the fact of the prospect of the job, it seems like walking in the dark. By then mom on the other had had finally setting herself as a confinement lady. A job that she seems getting so into it whereas my sister, she still seems to find her way out of here. She wanted to be away from mom to say the least.
Note that during my degree graduation day, mom wasn’t around as she was away working. I wanted to have someone there for my graduation. You, mom or anyone I know that they can be proud of. Looking back, I couldn’t remembered if anyone did been there for me. If I am not mistaken, I believe that Wilson, my best friend was there. I have invited him to be there. Along together was my aunt. Yes. I believe she was there too. Dad, you know that if there is a chance, I would want you to meet this friend of mine, Wilson. He has been a good friend in my times of need. He had been a supportive and helpful friend.
As I joined the working community, I landed myself the first job as an intern – technically. It was under the MDEC program that I joined eB Technology. A company that now no longer exist. For that particular programme that lasted 6 months, I was taken under Mr. Zow’s wing. He is a great man and tremendously a good supervisor. Originated from Malacca, he was caring and attentive towards his staff. I find myself enjoyed working with him. After the internship, he requested me to stick around for much longer. I reluctantly rejected him for that was some issues going around with my other colleagues and leaving me uncomfortable being there. Furthermore, I decided to left for a greener pasture to say.
In my transition between the jobs, I was left jobless for a period of a month. Until one jolly good day that a good friend I came to know from the Internet game –‘Utopia’ invited me to joined the company he is working with at that time. Somewhat nearby my neighbourhood, I joined them for a period no longer than 11 months. It just doesn’t work well much to my dismay. The pay I took was a serious cut from the previous internship programme offered. Since that the location was near, and I was hoping that the extra time after work would make up for my salary which was partly the reason I go for it the first place. It was also part of the reason (the pay) that I didn’t stayed to one year tenure.
Dad, by now I guess if you are around you could be listening to me telling you all the sorts of stuff happened in that company. You know what I missed most about you? You are my world number one listener. You would be there listening to my rants and ramblings from the starts till I ended it. Then after that you would just put in a few words of wisdoms of yours. Then and there you will just make my day, as always. How could I forget those moments? I will always remember your last advice to me when I returned to KL to further my studies. You told me to “cherish oneself”
Next I decided that I need to move on for a better pay. A career change perhaps. I was practically influenced by Kelvin whom at that time was working as a salesperson. Then going into the sales line seems to be the best option after all. I soon seeing myself joined my current employment as I write this letter to you. It was in September 2005 that I joined this company. It will be 3 years coming this September. I begin to work very hard. Not to think much of anything else but to heed the daily routine. Was it a sign I am a workaholic? I doubted myself so. In these times, the days just slipped through. I cannot fathom how I eventually gone through those days. All I know was I was a man on a mission. I was on the move constantly between home and office. That’s all I can summarize for that particular 2 years. I couldn’t be bothered about any other things. To me it seems that that’s the life.
I did not give myself some time. And somehow as when life is unexpectedly will treat you things you can never imagine. G came into my life. Short-lived it was that turned my life 180 degree around. She was a tipping point. It happened very fast. April 4th and then … its history. I never looked back. The perception of life was once changed. I seems to seek for something else than work. I wanted to know what is in for me. Job has been since a job. It no longer holds satisfaction. Dad, I thought I was in love with her. But I know that deep inside my heart, she was sent down to remind me that there are whole lot more things around me besides work. I need to look harder. It was her “In Everything Gives Thanks” that seems profound to my mind.
Dad, I wasn’t sure why I suddenly wanted that change so much. Was it my biological clock turns on already? Or it is the emptiness inside me that needs to be filled? In the past years, I never felt the emptiness and lonely like this before. Being solidarity like now is fine for me but the feeling is far worse than that. It is like the missing piece that yet to be found. I needed someone that I can spend time with I think. You are right dad. Friends do come and go. They won’t be around that long as they will have their own life and circles to busy about.
So right now Dad I am sitting here wondering what my next move all about is. The whole day all I can think about was J. Like I told myself before that I know that G wasn’t meant to be. She have yet be together with her ex. But this J. I don’t know. She is different to me. I like her not for anything but her inner beauty. In fact, she got me captive by her inner thought. A person that is very special.
Dad if you are listening to me, what are the things you would say to me? I know that I really miss your profound advices. Being your son has been a greatest gift I can only ask for from a father. You might not be able to give me the material things in this world. But you gave me the best thing in life which is you. Your strong coarse hands that held me up every times I fall.
I miss your presence a whole lot more too. I missed the food you prepared on the dining table. The night we went for Sup Kambing, the time we go for haircut followed by a stop at the coffee shop, the early morning we go for Curry Mee when you returned from work. Same goes to the time when we were out on the road taking buses to find the so-called ‘Oracle’.
And Dad, I know what I wanted in life. I wanted to be a dad just like you. I wanted to show how a good dad you were. You are my hero. And if anyone were to ask my ambition to be, I would tell them that I wanted to be – a dad just like you
Happy Father’s Day!
Ps. I love u, dad. I miss u, dad
And
I love u too, J.
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Now, when I read my own post for the 2007 resolution, I totally agree that this year 2007 I saw a few improvements that I kind of like about myself. (note: masuk bakul angkat sendiri). Anyway, let me trace it down the memory lane of 2007….
I should have called Chan Lilian but my phone battery is depleting very fast. It was due to my overnight gaming session that I didn’t manage to put my phone to charge. 
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