HizeCool

Dear Dad,

It has been 7 years and 6 months since you have left me. Your absence has left a tremendous space inside me. Today is the Father’s Day. It is a day that seems to be hard to go by.

Sitting here alone in the living room, I watched the city of KL seems to be consumed by the dark sky. It is either the sky is turning dark from the sun set or it can be the hungry black cloud trying to swallow and enveloping the sky. It seems this pretty much describe in the Jacky Cheung’s song. The sky is black in colour and my heart is blue in colour… that because all I can think about right now is only her, J.

After all these years, I finally found her. She is the one I’ve been waiting for. I knew it that I wanted her. Over the past relationship, I can clearly be sure of that she is the one I am looking for. She had the characters and personality that I believe you will definitely like about.

In your absence, I have been struggling to keep my head above. Since you left, my world has been seems to fall apart. At that time, living with uncle wasn’t much of a heaven but neither a hell. Mom was trying her best to cope with your lost and to get her grip. I was left much alone to myself to head with the daily routine, especially the struggle in college. Sister herself was also trying her best to find her own place in the outside world. She did not complete her studies, trying to find different jobs which sometimes worry me. It is not that her job wasn’t good but she doesn’t have the clear idea where she wants to head to. She finally landed herself good in a bookstore where she finds herself fit inside there.

Mom was trying to get us back together under one roof after she relocated back to KL that year. After you left, it took her a lot of effort and trouble to get a place to stay. Being at uncle house, she wasn’t much pleased that it wasn’t seems a home after all. We found a place to rent since then till now. It wasn’t much a luxury or bad. It is just decent enough to hold us together under one roof. A shelter I would call it. At least the place protects us from the bad weathers. Then everything seems to fall into their places. Everyone is playing the role in the home.

I remembered that Chinese New Year, I missed you a lot. Having to wake up in the first lunar day of the year to find that you are no longer around was something new. It has to be a fact for me to embrace and accept. Eventually, I met a mentor in college that helped me to get through this stage. He gave me a gift. A book entitled ‘Who Moved My Cheese?’ which I used to tell mom that if you were around, I would share this to you. It meant a lot to me to change. To embrace change that you no longer be around but I can still keep the memories of you inside me.

Things were getting positive. Soon, I found my first relationship with C. It didn’t last long enough for a year. It just lasted barely few months to say the least. Maybe I wasn’t really ready for it. I couldn’t handle the responsibilities of a boyfriend. You know what; there are times when I wished you were around. At least that I could seek your advice how to deal with certain issues. I’m sure you have gone through all these before. Too bad that it didn’t really work out and I have yet hurt another girl in the process.

When I got myself my first college exam result, I knew I was doing quite well. But I realised that the bad times are yet to come. I wasn’t much of an Ace student but neither that am I doing that bad. I eventually was getting my diploma. Due to the result, I couldn’t continue getting the scholarship to move on to the next level, which is Advance Diploma. Luckily Ah Lee he funded some of the expenses in Advance Diploma. Mom was getting herself to fit the bill for the Campbell University examination fees. Due to that, I was determining to do well for the next 2 years. I know you wanted me to excel as well. I did my best and along the way, I met few people that helped me to get through the college life. The exam papers and stuff like assignments are pretty much taken care of by itself eventually. In a nutshell, for that particular 3 to 4 years, I managed to pave myself the path out from the brutality of the college life. I was then set to embrace the working life. Welcome world.

Dad, finding a decent job in 2004 isn’t as I expected. Without clear direction and knowing the fact of the prospect of the job, it seems like walking in the dark. By then mom on the other had had finally setting herself as a confinement lady. A job that she seems getting so into it whereas my sister, she still seems to find her way out of here. She wanted to be away from mom to say the least.

Note that during my degree graduation day, mom wasn’t around as she was away working. I wanted to have someone there for my graduation. You, mom or anyone I know that they can be proud of. Looking back, I couldn’t remembered if anyone did been there for me. If I am not mistaken, I believe that Wilson, my best friend was there. I have invited him to be there. Along together was my aunt. Yes. I believe she was there too. Dad, you know that if there is a chance, I would want you to meet this friend of mine, Wilson. He has been a good friend in my times of need. He had been a supportive and helpful friend.
As I joined the working community, I landed myself the first job as an intern – technically. It was under the MDEC program that I joined eB Technology. A company that now no longer exist. For that particular programme that lasted 6 months, I was taken under Mr. Zow’s wing. He is a great man and tremendously a good supervisor. Originated from Malacca, he was caring and attentive towards his staff. I find myself enjoyed working with him. After the internship, he requested me to stick around for much longer. I reluctantly rejected him for that was some issues going around with my other colleagues and leaving me uncomfortable being there. Furthermore, I decided to left for a greener pasture to say.
In my transition between the jobs, I was left jobless for a period of a month. Until one jolly good day that a good friend I came to know from the Internet game –‘Utopia’ invited me to joined the company he is working with at that time. Somewhat nearby my neighbourhood, I joined them for a period no longer than 11 months. It just doesn’t work well much to my dismay. The pay I took was a serious cut from the previous internship programme offered. Since that the location was near, and I was hoping that the extra time after work would make up for my salary which was partly the reason I go for it the first place. It was also part of the reason (the pay) that I didn’t stayed to one year tenure.

Dad, by now I guess if you are around you could be listening to me telling you all the sorts of stuff happened in that company. You know what I missed most about you? You are my world number one listener. You would be there listening to my rants and ramblings from the starts till I ended it. Then after that you would just put in a few words of wisdoms of yours. Then and there you will just make my day, as always. How could I forget those moments? I will always remember your last advice to me when I returned to KL to further my studies. You told me to “cherish oneself”

Next I decided that I need to move on for a better pay. A career change perhaps. I was practically influenced by Kelvin whom at that time was working as a salesperson. Then going into the sales line seems to be the best option after all. I soon seeing myself joined my current employment as I write this letter to you. It was in September 2005 that I joined this company. It will be 3 years coming this September. I begin to work very hard. Not to think much of anything else but to heed the daily routine. Was it a sign I am a workaholic? I doubted myself so. In these times, the days just slipped through. I cannot fathom how I eventually gone through those days. All I know was I was a man on a mission. I was on the move constantly between home and office. That’s all I can summarize for that particular 2 years. I couldn’t be bothered about any other things. To me it seems that that’s the life.

I did not give myself some time. And somehow as when life is unexpectedly will treat you things you can never imagine. G came into my life. Short-lived it was that turned my life 180 degree around. She was a tipping point. It happened very fast. April 4th and then … its history. I never looked back. The perception of life was once changed. I seems to seek for something else than work. I wanted to know what is in for me. Job has been since a job. It no longer holds satisfaction. Dad, I thought I was in love with her. But I know that deep inside my heart, she was sent down to remind me that there are whole lot more things around me besides work. I need to look harder. It was her “In Everything Gives Thanks” that seems profound to my mind.

Dad, I wasn’t sure why I suddenly wanted that change so much. Was it my biological clock turns on already? Or it is the emptiness inside me that needs to be filled? In the past years, I never felt the emptiness and lonely like this before. Being solidarity like now is fine for me but the feeling is far worse than that. It is like the missing piece that yet to be found. I needed someone that I can spend time with I think. You are right dad. Friends do come and go. They won’t be around that long as they will have their own life and circles to busy about.

So right now Dad I am sitting here wondering what my next move all about is. The whole day all I can think about was J. Like I told myself before that I know that G wasn’t meant to be. She have yet be together with her ex. But this J. I don’t know. She is different to me. I like her not for anything but her inner beauty. In fact, she got me captive by her inner thought. A person that is very special.

Dad if you are listening to me, what are the things you would say to me? I know that I really miss your profound advices. Being your son has been a greatest gift I can only ask for from a father. You might not be able to give me the material things in this world. But you gave me the best thing in life which is you. Your strong coarse hands that held me up every times I fall.

I miss your presence a whole lot more too. I missed the food you prepared on the dining table. The night we went for Sup Kambing, the time we go for haircut followed by a stop at the coffee shop, the early morning we go for Curry Mee when you returned from work. Same goes to the time when we were out on the road taking buses to find the so-called ‘Oracle’.

And Dad, I know what I wanted in life. I wanted to be a dad just like you. I wanted to show how a good dad you were. You are my hero. And if anyone were to ask my ambition to be, I would tell them that I wanted to be – a dad just like you

Happy Father’s Day!

Ps. I love u, dad. I miss u, dad
And
I love u too, J.

As we are ushering the year of rat/rodent/mouse/hamster, it was beyond my comprehension that there is these few types of rodent species that reflect each and everyone. It will reflect one characters as well as the type of the person are for the year of rat.

According to the ancient lingamious, it is said that in order to find out which type of rodent you are; one need to sum the year they were born into single digit.

For example,

1982
= 1 + 9 + 8 + 2
= 20
= 2 + 0
= 2

Hence look for the type 2

Type 1 : You are a Mickey Mouse

You are famous and well known among your peers. You are kind and warm loving with the smile of yours. At times you can be very humorous and entertaining. Therefore, you are well loved by everyone. Just like the Chinese saying, “people see people love, car see car pick you up”.

You lucky quote for the year is “See ya soon!”. In any case, keep your friends close. But do keep your enemies closer.

Type 2 : You are a Rattrap (Character from Transformers : Beast Wars)

Being a part of the Maximal, you are a man of righteous. However, your trait tend to be a little pessimist this year due to the Rattrap nature. You possess some unrefined leadership within you which require some effort to polish them out. People enjoy being around you for the reason of you being a wisecracker.

Things to look ahead for this year is that watch on your negative habit such as gambling for example.

Your favorite quote is “We’re all gonna die!.”

Type 3 : You are a Mighty Mouse

You are strong, powerful and extraordinary person. Known to be gifted in many ways, you know how to put them into good use. Especially for the better world. Often people will remember you because you dressed well all the time. In which you do have a sense of fashion.

Your best quote shall be “Here I come to save the day!”

Type 4 : You are a Remy (from Ratatouille)

You are a strong willed person and blessed with the gift of taste. You can cook well and enjoy inspire people through the sense of taste. You don’t give up easily. Not when facing any difficulties without putting up a fight. You strive for making difference in people lives.

You believe that as long as it comes from the bottom of the heart, it can be done.

Your daily inspiration is “Anyone can cook!”

Type 5 : You are a Gadget Hackwrench (from Chip n’ Dale Rescue Ranger)

You have the natural warmth that makes everyone welcome and pleased to see you. Therefore you don’t enjoy putting so much of other external accessories to beautify yourself. You are very loyal to your friends and willing to go all the way to help them.

You are a thinker, constantly having things going through your mind. This tends to leave anyone listening to you ended up clueless as to what you actually meant.

Your misunderstood quote “It should work with no problems.”

Type 6 : You are a Hamtaro

You are a clueless person as you can be. At times, people might consider you naive as you tend to be very blur in a lot of things. A kind person you may be that you enjoy adventure a lot of times. Therefore, you always enjoy the outdoor activities rather than to stay confined in house.

You dislike being alone. Being with a group makes you had the feeling or sense of belonging.

Your famous quote shall be “Kush kush”

Type 7 : You are a Danger Mouse

You are gifted with the ability to grasp different languages and dialects. A truly disciplinarian, you obey orders well as well as carrying them to completion. People like you for your politeness.

You are well known for your ability for being creative in solving problem. Truly a problem solver you are, you can be resourceful at times.

Your catchphrase for this year, “Good grief!”

Type 8 : You are a Splinter (from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

You are a wise person. Sage. People look upon you for your wisdom. Truly a father/mentor figure whereby people will turn to you for advise.

Capable and agile you might be but at times you find yourself lack of the touch in terms of technology or gadgets. Your own weakness? You enjoyed to be indulged in the soap opera. But that’s where you get your wisdom from.

Your quote? there is none for the Master Sensei Splinter.

Type 9 : You are a Jerry (from Tom and Jerry)

You are cunning and craftiness in everything you do. Independent and opportunist you might be, people tend to fend off on the way of your approach. Depending on situation, you will often develop the conscience and change a win-win situation.

Your best quote so far …is none

So what rattitious are you?
ps: the above statements is just for fun and does not relate to the living or the dead. Just a Gong Xi Gong Xi Rat Ushering only.

It has become vague. Everything seems to be happening in shades. I can’t really recall by now but luckily that the moment I was awake, my mind was fresh with the scenes in within of my dream I scribbled it down. All and every single of it that I can remember.

Out of nowhere, that my old man appeared in my dream. He was there inside looking at me, smiling. The scenes I had are distorted. We were inside a KFC fastfood restaurant. I ordered 3 pieces of chicken for him. Original recipe. He knew that I was hungry. The place was crowded with patrons. Everyone was so intense with their food. Munching and feasting like barbarian. Meat and flesh lovers. The sight was ….. Anyway, we managed to find a palce for ourselves to sit. While having the meal, my dad asked about my well being. How am i doing in the society. What was the challenges I am having and so on. We chatted for a long time. I felt calm. Tranquil. And peace.

Before it all happened, I was in a mammoth training room. A room with abundance of water. Overflowing. I was inside a simulator. To catch fish. And I can’t remembered the rest anymore.

Due to the nature of my dad’s job, he often reached home in the morning and will begin preparing meals for me after school. My dad worked in the wet market at Selayang which he had to go to work at the wee hours in the morning where all the rest of family members sleeping in their comfy bed.

I recalled there is one time when I reached home from school, I noticed my uncle and brothers were around. Seldom they hang at my dad’s house. I saw my dad was laying on the recliner chair, talking to my brother. Sensing something is wrong, I walked up closely to my dad. I found out that his head was wounded. Getting few stitches and swelling. At that moment, I was speechless. I felt helpless. A lot of things rushed to my mind. Bombarded with questions and possibilities, which I ended up sitting next to him. Quietly saying nothing.

Finally, I asked him is he ok or not. He told me he is fine. He had painkiller and taking his rest. I gazed upon him that entire afternoon while he was sleeping. That night itself, I cried myself to sleep. I felt I was an infillial son.

I learnt that he was being hit by a robber from behind while waiting for my brother to finish work. He was sitting behind a car when suddenly his attacker attacked him from behind using a hammer. My father stood up and gave a good fight. It alerted the workers there and rushed to assist my dad. The attacker managed to flee and my dad was sent to clinic by my brother shortly. It came upon that the attacker was eyeing for my dad’s watch.

With my dad left me for the past 6 years and half, I still missing him. There are times in life I wanted to do what I am suppose to do. Be a good son, treat him well and gave him the best of the world I can offer. But God loves him more…

Dad. Happy Father’s Day.

The Father’s Day is just around the corner. With the hype from the commercial side, the Mother’s Day has been far too weighted in the sense that everything is replaceable with gifts and stuff like that. Few of my friends from blog did came up with some posts to share about their mothers’ and mothers’ day alike.

Just over the last week, few of us met up to tok kok and sing song at the Leisure Mall. We were discussing about the commercialized world of Mother’s Day and then the coming Father’s Day. Not sure where I read the entry about the father, I begin to search high and low for it. After endless hours at the googling and with no idea what the thing is, I manage to find it under the context of poem. It was by Ann Landers.

My Father

When I was: Four years old: My daddy can do anything.

When I was: Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.

When I was: Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.

When I was: Eight years old: My dad doesn’t know exactly everything.

When I was: 10 years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up, things were sure different.

When I was: 12 years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn’t know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.

When I was: 14 years old: Don’t pay any attention to my dad. He is so old-fashioned.

When I was: 21 years old: Him? My Lord, he’s hopelessly out of date.

When I was: 25 years old: Dad knows about it, but then he should, because he has been around so long.

When I was: 30 years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he’s had a lot of experience.

When I was: 35 years old: I’m not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad.

When I was: 40 years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise.

When I was: 50 years old: I’d give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn’t appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.

By: Ann Landers

Just by going through this poem again once stirred my emo-ness. I do miss talking to him.

It has been a while since I met up with Ivan. Both of us are busy with own lives. Just like Wingz used to say, that we need to take care of our own rice bowl. Ivan was available that afternoon and we meet up for a drinking session.

He just brought up the issue of how he had changed for the past few years. Seriously, I do admit there is huge differences as to compare himself back then. Maybe, just maybe that the process of what ones are going through that mold a person. And that experience is so valuable that it is ones wisdom. From there we will be looking from different perspective of life.

My dad passed away 7 years ago. Poor thing is that he couldn’t be here with me right now. There are times in life when I am truly hope to have him by my side to share all my ups. Just the other night I had a dream. dream about him and I ended waking up in tears.

Since I was young, I always wanted to know about my position in his heart. How he would perceive me as. Therefore, everything I did was trying to meet his expectation in me. All I know was that I need to fare well in school. Bring a lot of A’s back. I didn’t care because he believe that by studying well will bring you up above.

After completion of my secondary education, I furthered my studies in TAR College. It was during the end of semester 1 when my dad illness getting worse. Eventually I lost him to something greater than us. I begin to lost my focus. I keep telling myself that I need to shift my focus and that my mom putting her hope in me. I was her pillar of strength that keep her going strong.

As I diverting my focus, I felt emptiness in me. That’s when I began to seek for replacement of him. I grew the habit of corresponding and eventually there was one penpal that makes me interested in her. One of her letter asking my dad cordition after mei yan. So I told myself why not I try and see if there is any chances or chemistry happened? To keep it short, she was my first girlfriend.

Not many of my peers met her though except from my course. That’s why even sotong always think i’ve never in any relationship. Was wondering how my dad will perceive her back then. It was a bumpy ride for me. Learning to be a responsible boyfriend of her. Being first time, I didn’t know about anniversary, first 100 days and stuff like that.

The relationship lasted for few months and things was tough for her. I do admit that there’s plenty of wrong in me. CL, if you do drop by my blog I would like to apologize for all my wrongdoing and thank you for the memory when we were together.

Now presently, I would wonder how my dad would see me as. Working as a salesperson despite my education. Would I be disappointing him? How about the way I dealt with things in the past years.

Being in a score and five, wondering where I shall stand 5 years, 10 years and 15 years down the road. What will be my focus and goal in life? Lord I’m doing all I can to be a better man to my mom, and all those I love with.

Kenny had to face it recently. I had it 4 years ago. I’m still dealing with it.

My father is the one I cherished most in my life. He is my idol, mentor and my hero in life. Though he ain’t perfect, a little err makes him more lovely. Once a while, I would replay the bits and bytes of my memories of him. How he woke me up in the middle of night so I can follow him to the wet market. How he rub his chin to make me ticklish. How he turn up to collect my report card without fail every year of my primary school.

I miss him every second of my life. I miss his specialty “Chilli Fish” filled with sambal belacan and deep fried it till crisp. i miss his skillful “Chilli Dried Prawn” that I can eat with plain rice. I miss his Teochew Porridge that is delicious to my delight. In simple term, I miss his cookings. I used to take it for granted that whenever I reach home, he will be finish preparing food for the family. I miss the time I helped him out in the kitchen. He always tell me that I’m no good for the knife and wok. I usually end up helping him with the garbage.

When I was small, I used to fear of losing him someday. In my dreams, I feared and awaken by it. As time sun rise, he returned home and it relieves me. We would then go for nearby hawker stalls have breakfast. There is one time my dad got rob in the market. The fucker hit my dad with hammer on his head. Bleed, my dad struggled and grab attention of passerby. When I reached home after school, I saw him lying on the lazy chair and my heart ache. I can’t do anything. Beyond my capability. I just sat there and we chat.

I feel lost. I feel empty without him. He inspired me. He always hope I do well in school. I noticed it when one of my tutor from Kasturi tuition share with us how parent will react. They’ll wake up early sweeping the porch for hours and hours until the neighbour appeared in front of them. Then they will ask, “How’s your son/daughter fare?” and they’ll proudly tell that “My son scored 10As” or something like that. They’ll feel proud. I relate that story to his visit to a barber shop nearby. He keep telling those uncles how well I do in school and so on. I was delighted to see his face glowing and his eyes shining bright proud of me.

This Father’s Day, I have such tendency to think of him. It’s true that absence makes the heart fonder. Not out of sight out of mind. I miss him dearly, so dearly that I hope I can spend quality time with him. Listening to his voice, looking into his eyes and sharing my ups and downs with him. When I had my first paycheck atfer I graduated, my parents are the first one I wanted to treat them to dinner with. I wanted to buy him “Crocodile” shirt. I wanted be the one who drive him around. I wanted to have him attend my convocation.

I am selfish. I wanted him remain by my side. Though now not physically but spiritually. I know with god will, he is with me spiritually. That’s why I will never trade anything with my memories of him.

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When i was small, i was eager to be a scout. I remembered there’s one time where we need to gather at Merdeka Square (Dataran Merdeka) for an occassion. I can’t remember what’s it all about. I was late and it was Sunday. My mum brought me to Stadium Merdeka because I can’t differentiate between Merdeka Square and Stadium Merdeka. After rushing from home to the wrong destination, she then send me to Dataran Merdeka. This is one of the sweet things she done for me and everytime I replay the memory, i become quite emotional.

If i were to proclaim myself as a number 2 procrastinator, i believe no one’s dare to claim to be the first in procrastinating. Last evening, she asked me to grab the garbage and dispose it to the garbage store below. Here’s the conversation.

Mum : go throw the garbage now.
Me : Later lar, can wait right the garbage.
Mum : Isk, ask u do things, u procrastinate. (”She’s sad”)
Me : *silence

This morning, she ignored me. My heart hurts. I’m sorry mum if i hurt u last night. It just that when we are in good terms, she can joke around. I remembered she told my housemate that the more time we spend together, we shall had disputes and arguements over even a small little matter.

I don’t know why. I’m worried about her. She has no one to talk to after my dad passed away few years ago. She has no shoulder to cry on and no one to listen to her sorrow. She’s trying to be tough. I don’t think I even understand her completely. I feel such an infillial son. What the fuck… I’m going to make things up later this evening. ]]>